Hi.

-Hello?

-Oh!

My goodness!

Um... -Sorry.

-No, sorry.

Yes.

I haven't missed it, have I?

The audition?

I just saw Beryl in the corridor, and she said to get a wriggle on.

Beryl said that?

Oh, gosh, I'm so sorry, Miss...

Sorry.

We weren't expecting anyone else.

My agent definitely arranged for me to meet you at 20 past.

Beryl said to start without her.

I'm Sophie Straw.

Uh, Dennis.

Dennis Mahindra.

Oh!

Mr. Mahindra!

I've listened to every single Awkward Squad.

It's the best thing since...sausages.

Sorry, I don't even know what that means.

Oh, well, thank you.

Could you give me just one moment?

[Piano playing] ♪ Heh... Um, apparently, there's one more young lady for us.

Oh, Jesus, seriously?

I thought we all decided on Marcia Bell.

You might have decided on Marcia Bell, Clive, on the basis that you want to * * * * her.

Oh, that ship's already sailed, actually.

But we haven't decided, right, Tony?

Well, she looks right for the part.

She's a very good classical actress, but is she funny?

No.

She doesn't have to be funny.

I'm funny.

The script's funny...in places.

Steady on, Clive.

You almost gave the writers a compliment.

Oh, in that case, I take it back.

Fascinating as this discussion is, can we hear the young lady read?

We've got to be out of this room by 6 p.m. Bring her in.

Surely, she can't be more wrong for the part than the other 20 we've seen.

Hi, everyone.

[Clive laughs] I'm so sorry, Miss Straw.

Please.

Abject apologies.

For some stupid reason, I imagined Cicely as "the well-educated, upper-class, petite, brunette daughter of a vicar."

I'm brunette, honest, under the peroxide.

I know I don't look like how you imagine Cicely, but you lot don't look like how I imagined.

I thought you'd all be tweedy posh lads with pipes.

You're Clive, aren't you?

Yes, you've seen me on the stage.

Did you catch his Coriolanus?

No, I had the vaccine.

Sorry.

No, just I recognized his voice from The Awkward Squad.

Captain Smythe.

Described by one critic as having the most irritating voice since Peter Sellers played Bluebottle.

And he's not even putting it on.

Are you Bill or Tony?

I'm Bill.

That's got to be a first.

Usually nobody knows the writers names until they've read their obituary.

Chaps, shall we push on and let Miss Straw read?

Yes, do let's hear her read.

What have you prepared?

Prepared?

Well, I didn't really have time-- ♪ Womp ba bow, womp ba bow ♪ ♪ Womma nomma nomma womp ♪ Pffrt.

[Mimicking announcer] The Awkward Squad was written by Bill Gardiner, Tony Holmes, and produced by Dennis Mahindra.

[Raspy voice] Sparky was played by An Actor.

And... oh, Private Privates was played by... [Giggles] somebody private?

[Announcer voice] And Captain Smythe was played by Clive Richardson!

[Whispers] What the... [Door opens] DENNIS: Ah, Beryl, perfect timing.

We were just auditioning Sophie.

-Who?

-Sophie Straw.

Spoke to her in the corridor?

I gather she's on your list.

She most certainly is not.

We've never met.

Sophie, I thought you said-- Yeah, I rather think you've been made a fool of, Dennis.

As if we'd ever cast someone like her.

♪ Sorry.

Um...

Please, let me.

Thank you.