Deus Ex Machina

[thunder rumbling] [horse approaching] [grunts] [sighs] [grunting] Hi-yah!

Ah!

-[knocking on door] -Yes.

-[groaning] -[door opens] [harpsichord playing] -[door shuts] -What?

[sighs] [Joseph] Hey.

Mobs, Mobs, Mobs.

[barking softly] [screams] [laughs] Joseph!

[giggling] Joseph.

My God.

-Look at you.

-Joseph.

[Joseph sighs] We were expecting Mama.

Yeah, I persuaded her to let me come instead.

[sighs] Even Ma could see the situation requires a delicate touch.

-So she sent you!

-Oh.

[both laugh] -That butterfly appears to be... -Stop it.

[Joseph] ...trapped in your ridiculous hair do.

-Stop it.

-[laughs] [Marie Antoinette] I won't take lessons in style from a man with holes on his elbows.

What are you wearing?

I always travel as Count Falkenstein you know how I hate to attract attention.

and besides an Emperor only sees what he's shown.

Count Falkenstein sees the world with his own eyes.

What does he observe when he looks at me?

Your Queen who is about to lose her crown?

[theme music playing] [imperceptible] [Marie Antoinette] You have to make an appointment.

To visit my brother-in-law?

Don't be absurd!

-Which way for the King?

-[man] That way.

You... you can't just turn up.

Even I need permission to see him.

My god.

No wonder you haven't produced an heir.

This is an Austrian ploy to seize the advantage in our negotiations.

Not at all a visit from Vienna was expected.

By the Empress and not until next month.

Count Falkenstein thinks he's caught me napping.

Huh, I'm always ready, Mercy.

Are you?

-No, we don't knock.

-Excellent.

We tap.

Toinette.

[hesitates] [gasps] [Joseph sighs] [whispers] Stay.

Welcome to Versailles, Sire.

May I present Count Maurepas.

The King's Mentor.

Excuse us gentlemen, family business.

[door shuts] [sighs] [Joseph chuckles] [Louis-Auguste grunts] [Joseph exhales] Joseph.

This one's big brother.

I am wet.

It was pissing down all the way from Vienna.

Look at you.

We're cut from the same cloth.

Toinette, come and join us.

[whispers] Come.

[grunts] Ow.

Now what's all this nonsense about a divorce?

Isn't it time for you to kiss and make up?

It's too late for that.

Who is that Count Falkenstein?

He is the co-Emperor of Austria.

Her brother?

Well why doesn't he use his own title?

He prefers to travel incognito to avoid the fuss of a state visit.

Isn't fuss the whole point?

The point is to settle his sister's divorce and send her packing.

Hmm.

[chuckles] -May I present my family.

-No.

Let me guess.

Please don't.

Dignity, elegance... luminosity.

Oh, wow.

Your portraits do not deceive, Mesdames.

Hmm.

Ha!

[chuckles] And here is the distinctive plumage of a bon viveur!

Your reputation goes before you, Monseigneur.

You've done your homework.

Always.

And for my finale...

I hesitate, uncertain.

Oh, but then I detect... Oh... [sniffs] Oh, the unmistakable aroma of a crisp, young Savoy, and the full-bodied opulence of a Comte de Provence.

Madam.

Monsieur.

Hmm.

Well...

I hope you will join us in Paris this evening, Your musical maestro... Saint-Georges?

Hmm.

Saint-Georges is conducting his new opera.

Toinette.

[chuckles] How can we put a stop to this?

We must face reality, Sire.

Seven years and the marriage remains childless.

Even the Pope agrees that an annulment is fair.

Fine.

Start the divorce negotiations.

But spin them out.

Buy me some time to talk sense into that dullard and my little sister.

To the opera.

Towel?

Oh.

For God's sake.

Give me that!

Habsburg's.

They're a cunning breed.

The Emperor may play the touchy feeling family man, but all he cares about is expanding his empire.

He won't rest until he occupies the whole of Europe.

This is where he's heading next.

Bavaria?

[opera singing] The libretto is woeful but the score is sublime.

Mozart is right to be sensitive.

Your chap is the bees knees.

I was about to appoint him my music master, until Provence banished him from Versailles.

Your brother-in-law's a stuffed shirt and his wife is terrifying.

Welcome to my life.

So tell me, what's going on with you and Louis?

Does he repulse you, beat you, prefer his own sex?

-We don't get along.

-Do you want a divorce?

-What I want is irrelevant.

-Not to me.

-Louis has made up his mind.

-So what!

Are you going to accept his decision and run back home to Mama?

I don't have a choice.

-[audience applauding] -Brilliant.

[crowd exclaiming] Mein Gott.

Paris worships you.

You have something here, Toinette.

Fight for it!

I don't know how to.

That's why I'm here.

There are some things even you can't fix, Joseph.

Don't you believe it.

You were marvellous.

[shouts] Wonderful.

[metal clinks] -[Provence chuckles] -Hey!

Are you alright?

[Louis-Auguste clears throat] What do you think you're doing?

Misfire.

[sniggers] Attempted regicide more like.

You need an heir and quickly.

[blows bird whistle] [birds squawking] [thuds] [dog barking] What's this?

This one's mine.

You're a good shot.

Shooting is simple for sporting men like us.

Shooting our seed that's more difficult.

Seed?

If you want my advice go for volume.

-Volume?

-Volume.

You need to be on my sister day and night.

Shoot, reload, shoot, reload.

Wham!

Bam!

Thank you, Ma'am.

She doesn't want me anywhere near her.

Oh.

Shall we talk to her?

I have nothing to say.

I will speak for you.

[uplifting music playing] Where's the Emperor?

He's engaged on other business.

What's more important than settling his sister's divorce?

He didn't say.

[Marie Antoinette] What's the point in doing this?

It's over.

There's nothing to be done about it.

If your brother says he can help you, let him try.

Louis may change his mind.

Maurepas won't let him.

You know what I will miss you when I go back to Vienna.

You are going nowhere, Antoinette.

[Marie Antoinette] Fine.

[sighs] Marriage.

Marriage, marriage, marriage.

Aren't we here to discuss our divorce?

Oh, no.

Let the pen pushers toil over your divorce.

If the same effort had been put into your marriage we wouldn't be sitting here now.

Well, can you honestly say you have tried everything?

[scoffs] -I think we both-- -No, no.

Not you... You.

Do you make an effort with your husband, show him affection, entertain him, take an interest in his hobbies?

Well, does he do any of those things with me?

Men have more important matters to think about.

-Isn't a woman important?

-Of course.

She is her husband's helpmate.

His consolation.

She is his shelter, not his storm.

What if he is her storm?

Then she will draw on her reserves of feminine good temper that make a wife blind to his faults.

You know what?

I must be a queer, crazy kind of wife, because when I look at men I see... no, no, nothing but their faults.

Toinette.

-Their pomposity-- -Sit down!

Their unwarranted, self-satisfied smugness, their clumsiness, their obsessions, their inability to show a modicum of love or tenderness to their wives.

You go too far, Toinette.

[Marie Antoinette] Yes you're right.

It's a fault of mine.

Seems I have many, the greatest, greatest of which was my stupidity to have been born a woman.

[sighs] I should have been a clock or... or lock or a horse.

-Then... [mocks neighing] -Stop it!

Perhaps he ought to have taken an interest in me.

[muffed crying] [imperceptible] If only I had a baby to play with.

Everyone is watching my stomach looking for a sign.

Give me a child and I'll never trouble you again.

[shouts] Apologise.

What for?

For being an ugly, á*á*á*á*á*á*á*á*á*á* bitch.

[groans] Stop!

Stop!

[cries] [groans] Apologise.

Apologise.

I am sorry.

I could be as lovely as Helen of Troy but you still wouldn't want to á*á*á*á* me!

[gasps] [panting] [coughs] Lessons in marriage from a man who's buried two wives.

What pearls of wisdom can he possible impart?

[Yolande] Who knows?

But he has made things a thousand times worse.

[coins jingling] Keep up the good work.

[western classical music playing] It's all leverage for the divorce.

What happened to his wives?

The first one fell in love with his sister.

She expired of unrequited love, and then the second one was so neglected that she prayed for smallpox and got it.

You should consider your future, Yolande.

When she goes you'll be knocked off your perch.

Then you'll have to find some other way to support those men of yours.

[men yelling] [Duc de Chartres] There you are.

[women laughing] Rumour has it that you're about to get divorced.

To my enemies who can't wait to celebrate.

To you, the only member of my French family -who actually likes me.

-Hmm.

You're mistaken.

I merely tolerate you.

[both laugh] When a ship is sinking its flags keep flying.

Don't give your enemies the satisfaction of knowing they've won.

They'll know when I disappear beneath the waves.

We all drown in the end, my love.

Now, the trick is to go down... ...in style.

[Marie Antoinette giggles] [Duc de Chartres] Come on.

[all cheering] Some more champagne, please.

[Duc de Chartres laughs] [imperceptible conversation] Hmm.

[sighs] You came.

You said that you could help.

Oh yes, yes indeed.

Come in.

Where is she?

She's on her way, I'll speed her along.

Sit down, sit down.

[door closes] [women giggling] [shouts] [all cheering] -[Marie Antoinette] Again.

-[man] Again.

-Won't you join us?

-Move.

[Marie Antoinette gasps] My brother, Joseph, -ladies and gentlemen.

-Come here.

[whooping] -Come here.

-[groans] How dare you humiliate me!

How dare you humiliate the King!

Go in.

[laughs] Well, I can hardly humiliate someone who isn't here.

You know the problem with gamblers, Toinette.

You think your luck will never run out.

Austria agrees to return all the late Dauphines jewels.

France agrees to return the Queen's dowry, minus her gambling debts.

Austria will not accept any deductions.

France notes that the Empress has tightened her grip around her ambassador's balls.

I'd rather be manhandled by a powerful woman, than sit in the lap of a mute man-child.

-[laughs] -[Mercy] That's one thing the Queen won't miss when she returns to Vienna.

Oh, you don't seriously think we'll be sending her home!

A prisoner of state.

You will remain in France.

But be deprived of your liberty.

In jail?

-[Joseph] Yes.

-No.

Appropriate accommodation will be found.

I just wanna go home.

Why can't I go home?

Maurepas considers you a security risk.

-You know too much, Toinette.

-[scoffs] I know nothing.

What will become of me?

[cries] [Maurepas] This is a distraction.

There's no need for you to go there.

[Louis-Auguste] I want to see it.

[church bell ringing] [dramatic music playing] [music crescendos] [bird wings flapping] [music fades out] [panting] [pensive music playing] [pigeon cooing] Shall we conclude the negotiations?

Later?

Dear God, what do you do at night?

Cross-stitch?

Speak to me.

It hurts.

It hurts when he enters me.

-[Joseph] Oh.

-[sighs] Oh, well that's perfectly normal when sexual relations begin.

Do you arouse her?

Yolande says... ...he's clueless.

[whispers] You have á*á*á*á*á*á*á* other women, right?

[in German] Oh, [chuckles] verdammt.

[in English] You must practice with someone who knows what she's doing.

A prostitute?

Why not?

A husband does not stray if he loves his wife.

Isn't it the custom for the King of France to have a mistress?

Look at your grandfather-- My father didn't betray my mother and I won't betray my wife.

[soft music playing] The instructional items you requested, Sire.

[clears throat] Thank you.

Uh, your investigation has there been any progress.

White doves no longer flutter around the corridors of Versailles.

I have hunted them into extinction.

And the perpetrator?

Have you hunted him down?

He has fled... and taken his venomous pen with him.

I expect you to find him, Beaumarchais.

I'm on the case, Sire.

[door shuts] [knocks on door] May I come in?

Yes.

Um.

Yes, of course.

[exasperated sigh] Well.

[clears throat] You said a man who loves his wife doesn't stray.

Louis, this man... ...the one who loves his wife, is that you?

Who else would it be?

So you do love me?

I have expressed my feelings in my own way, which I deeply regret.

So have you.

I...

I could have behaved... ...better.

So could I.

[chuckles softly] I am sorry for what I did.

No, you can't open that.

You can't do that, please.

-No?

Why not?

-Please, please.

-Give it back to me now.

-What?

-Please.

-A-ha!

-What is it?

-It's nothing.

-Let me see it.

-No, I'm...

I'm sorry but... um.

Why won't you show that to me?

Hmm?

What's in it?

-Nothing.

-Go on, let me see it.

Let me see it.

A-ha!

Joseph is right.

You should learn -from another woman.

-No, I don't...

It's our only chance.

[laughing] [imperceptible] You're besotted with her.

She's my friend.

The Queen of France doesn't have friends.

You're surrounded by parasites and she is the biggest louse of them all.

-Look at her.

-She's having fun.

She is debauched and she is related to Maurepas.

You shouldn't be discussing your private life with her.

[Lamballe] That's not what I am saying... [indistinct conversation] Oh, good shot.

-[Joseph clapping] -Thank you, Joseph.

Perfection.

-Sycophant.

-It's called strategy, try it sometime.

Start by ditching the Polignac.

Then what?

-Die of loneliness?

-Oh!

Why don't you rekindle your friendship with Lamballe?

At least she's a Princess.

If she'll have you.

You treat her like dirt.

Let's hope she doesn't bear a grudge.

-[Jules] Hey!

-[Yolande] Hey!

[Joseph laughs] What's wrong with her?

[Marie Antoinette] Stop.

Shh!

[Vaudreuil] I think she did do that on purpose.

-[Joseph laughing hysterically] -Sorry.

-Stop laughing.

Stop.

-Hey!

[smacking] I've been a terrible, terrible, terrible friend.

-Can you forgive me?

-It's you who should forgive me.

I've been a terrible superintendent.

No you've always been so good to me.

Always.

I am full of sin, Toinette.

[sighs] I will pray for you from my convent.

They should be honoured to have you here.

That family doesn't deserve you.

-I know.

[softly] -What?

I know.

I'm going to arrange a musical soiree and you will sing at Versailles.

-Me?

-Yes.

[scoffs] Why me?

To show them that you don't care.

[uplifting music playing] [Joseph] In hasty response to your letter, Ma, I can assure you that your fears are groundless.

Everything is proceeding precisely to plan.

There will be no divorce.

Mercy has got the measure of Maurepas.

The negotiations have ground to a halt.

The King is taking constructive steps towards consummating his marriage with your daughter.

He only needs a little guidance but everything is in hand.

[woman moaning] [moaning continues] [Joseph] I am confident that with a little patience... [Joseph] ...we will achieve a happy ending.

[woman moans] [Joseph reading] While the King plays away the Queen performs cunnilingus in her lady's chamber.

[Maurepas] Ah!

Are you going to celebrate with me?

Oh, come on.

Are you really going to let her rot in that convent?

You've been around for long enough, Mercy.

There are more unpleasant endings for a former Queen.

I won't drink to any of them.

[door shuts] [priest speaking in Latin] [whispers] [in English] Have you been working hard at your lessons?

-Can you tell?

-[softly] Yes.

How are you getting on?

It's like learning to ride.

Just when you think you've got your balance, you're instructed to increase the tempo.

[giggles] [Marie Antoinette clears throat] Have you risen to a trot?

Actually, I have started to canter.

[both laugh] They seem very jolly.

Any um... reason?

I wouldn't know.

She's been avoiding me.

Sister, sister.

An invitation from Lamballe to a musical soiree.

It's on behalf of the Ostrich Bitch.

Oh, I had no idea.

[chuckles] [chuckles nervously] We Austrians adore concerts.

Low key, of course.

Herr Mozart entertaining the family with his famous ditties Doesn't France have someone who would give him a run for his money?

May I pass, please?

May I pass, please?

I am still the Queen.

Yes but for how much longer?

I Thank you kindly.

You do know it's them not us?

Quickly this way.

[western classical music playing] Isn't he magnificent?

[audience applauding] -This is an insult!

-Sit down.

No, I will not sit down.

Sit down.

[Marie Antoinette singing in French] [in English] Bravo!

[humming] I threw Saint-Georges out.

How dare he come back!

We invited him.

-We?

-My wife and I.

Which one's me?

The fat one.

[laughs] And those little ones are my nephews.

-running in the sunshine.

-[Marie Antoinette] I have sons?

Yeah, and heir and two spares.

Joseph one, two, and three.

Though number three's worryingly wispy.

-What if I can't do it?

-Do what?

Have sex with Louis?

Well, you know what Ma would say, -"Failure is not an option... -[mouthing] Heirs and world domination is what we Hapsburgs do."

[chuckles] So... Where are you off to next, Joseph?

It's a mountainous region of little importance.

My second wife was a Bavarian Princess.

She left her territories to me.

Well, if they're already yours... why exactly do you want to invade?

No one else seems to believe they're mine, least of all Prussia.

Anyway I prefer to call it rectification.

Louis... can I rely on your military support?

Oh, I'll think about it.

Don't take too long, my friend.

Oh, in the meantime, you might want to do something about this.

The pavilion, ten minutes?

All right, see you there.

So... he finally went in for the kill?

No more than we expected.

Now, all that's required is your signature.

Then we can say goodbye to Austria and find you a suitable wife.

I think you'll find it's all favourable to our side.

Excuse me.

♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ -[Marie Antoinette] Where is he?

-He said he would be here.

What do you think we should do?

[orchestral music playing] Mercy.

♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ [music fades out] Oh, you did well, Joseph.

She has performed her duty.

Not quite.

-One usually follows the other.

-Not necessarily.

-Shall we discuss Bavaria?

-Not now.

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